Love Can Never Be Wrong
by Sirius Lover for Life
Summary: Hope you all enjoy this, despite the cheesy title. Basically a little spoofy romantic comedy about Tonks and Wood, and everyone in between- including some jealous souls. R&R! [fin]
1. The Flight In

It hadn't been done...so I had to make one. Here is the so-called "story" of Oliver Wood and Nymphoria (sp?)...well, Tonks. One-shot. The only reason I'm doing this is b/c it's very late, and I'm very bored, and feel like writing...but no slash. Three words: Just Plain Nasty. Sometimes, though, they can be funny to read...lol. Here it is. I don't own HP. (This was my disclaimer, btw, so FF.net can't come and put me in cuffs now. Haha.)

-  
  
As the rain came down in a soft drizzle around the grey outdoor world, {haha, all my stories begin with rain! Er..sorry. Just had to get that out of my system. Alrighty.} Oliver wood stared out the window in the Gryffindor common room.  
  
"Damnit!"  
  
"Rain again, Oliver?"  
  
"No Lee,_ snow_. Honestly, your stupidity never fails to amaze me...." he made to grab his broom, then had his hand grabbed violently by Jordan. He stared at his friend like he'd gone mad.  
  
"Oh, damn, just let go! What's with you today? Why so jumpy?"  
  
{awkwardly}"You can't ...um, practice Quidditch...today. Too much rain...not sure your broom can handle it..."  
  
"_How_ long have I been playing, Lee? Let's hear it?...that's right. And in worse conditions than _this_...WAIT! WAIT JUST ONE BLOODY MINUTE!! You want my **broom!**" Lee fingered his hat {don't even ask where it came from, let's assume he pulled it out of thin air, okay people??!!}nervously. Oliver was staring at him with that penetrating look of someone trying to figure him out...then he hit it, and a sly grin spread over his face.  
  
"You're trying to impress someone, must be, Lee? Right?! I** know** it. What other explanation is there? You think if they see you fly they'll all be lining up for your picture...So who's the unfortunate lady who's been branded with your secret obsessatory {we'll call that a word} feelings?"  
  
"No...no one! Just never the hell mind!"  
  
"Well fine, you can come _watch _me practice, at least..." They headed outside, where it was still raining. {**Obviously **it was still raining, I mean, it isn't like they live in **Cleveland** or someplace... ;)}  
  
Lee sat down on the damp lawn and watched his friend circle around the field several times on his Comet 2-60. {I don't remember what kind he has, but I know it isn't very good, not like Harry's anyway, so he's stuck with the Comet.} After awhile, he grew tired of waiting, and jumped up when he checked his watch-  
  
"Don't pretend, you airhead. You haven't got a watch on."  
  
"Have too!"  
  
"Have not!"  
  
"Too!"  
  
"Not!"  
  
"TOO!"  
  
"NOT!"  
  
"HAVE...FRICKING...TOO!!"  
  
"**HAVE...FUCKING...NOT**!!"{Sorry for the language there, people, they probably wouldn't talk that way really...but there's a reason (amongst others) this has above a G-rating. Back to the quarrell now.}  
  
Lee paused, and caught a glimpse of something flying high above the treetops. It looked like a very beat-up broom, carrying a single passenger, along with some luggage. A spot of hot pink could be seen on what looked like the head of a passenger. But wait-pink hair? {thought Olive-y....}  
  
"Who.The.Bloody.Hell." said he, in a sort of tuned-out/wasted voice. He remained frozen to the spot, while his friend licked both hands and smoothed his hair, running his fingers all through it. Oliver turned to him.  
  
"You're fighting a losing battle there, dear..." {Yep, took that quote from Book Three...pretty sad I can remember almost every line...considering I've read it obsessively...it's also highly doubt-able Oliver would call another guy 'dear', so...} As the pink-haired rider drew nearer, {wonder who it is?! -sarcasm-} Oliver squinted, to get a better look, while Lee ran up to greet her.  
  
"Here, I'll carry those, Tonks..."  
  
"OUCH!! Crap, Lee, you're no better than me with holding onto things....I'll get em'." She grabbed her bags off her now-swelling foor. Lee blushed-{no, wait. Turned redder than Ron Weasley. Now **there's **a metaphor...is THAT what you call them?} Now that the woman had dismounted the broom, Oliver could tell why Lee was making such an effort to impress. She was beautiful, with spiky pink hair, {etc, etc...I'm getting dreadful tired, so I'm gonna have to cut the details short. You know Tonks, anyway. So.} Tonks turned to see Wood. Their eyes met, and a beautiful, beautiful thing happened....they found love, they found each other. Lee gestured toward Oliver.  
  
"Tonks, meet Oliver....Oliver, Tonks. She's going to be-"  
  
"For goodness' sake, Lee, I think I can introduce myself...here, you CAN carry these now..." she shoved her luggage at him ungratefully. Lee looked rather taken aback, and made a rude gesture to Wood behind the lady's back. Wood ignored it, and listened to Tonks.  
  
"I'll be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts." {Why the hell did I capitalize that? I'm tired!!!}  
  
"That's very...great. We could use someone capable around here..." Not quite sure what he meant by 'capable', and growing suspicious of his friend, Lee dropped the luggage and came to Tonks's rescue.  
  
"Tonks here is a very **good teacher** for DADA...she is an Auror...."  
  
"Damnit boy, I thought I asked you to carry my luggage!"  
  
"Right, I'll get on it..."  
  
"'Better, or else I'll get on your record...remember, your grades will be in MY hands now...." She turned back to Oliver and they picked up conversation, though Lee was too absorbed in muttering to himself to listen to them.  
  
'Tonks was never like this before....I was her friend...why's she treating me like she's my evil stepmum?' {Had to throw in Cinderella there. Dunno why.} Then he found the answer-it hit him SMACK! in the forehead! Literally, it did....on his way back up to the castle, while escorting the lovely Tonks, Oliver 'accidently' let go of a branch, leaving it swinging behind him, as well as a large purple lump on Lee's head.  
  
'Bloody bastard....it's **him!** All _his_ fault! He'll pay....we'll see.....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!' - A/N. Yeah. Well there you go. It was just bugging me that no one took the time to write a fic about these two, and other than that, I have no idea how this came to me. Oh well. What will Lee do to Wood? And what will Wood and Tonks do?? I've really no particular idea yet, so their fate rests in your hands-or reviews, rather. So do so, please. Tell me what to do with these people...and I promise to update it on some other weekend when I'm too frickin' awake at this hour to make sense of anything...point being, review. But not the story, I mean...b/c I _know _it sucks, like I said, I've done better....one shot....but I will continue the story, if so you all choose. Lemme know! Thanks a lot. :) Also, I know Oliver isn't in school now, but we'll say he is for the time being. And it doesn't necessarily have to be Tonks/Wood, so...REVIEW!!


	2. A Little Run In

Great. Just** GREAT**. I scored no reviews in the past week, so this chapter is up to ME. See, ya should've taken the time to write something! (You still can, of course...)because I am "nothing without you...just a shadow passing through..." One quick thing: well, two-The starred passage(s) mean that the passage/writing is from somewhere else, other than HP, and I don't own those, either. And on my first disclaimer, I may've forgotten this...I don't own Harry Potter or anything legally associated with it. Someday I might, (hey, it could happen!...) but that "someday" is not today. I'll stop cutting in with bracketts, too...so enjoy this chapter!   
-

It was nearing midnight, according to Lee's non-existant watch, and he was heading back up to the castle-{he had spent the remainder of the day sitting down by the lake and plotting what to do, **what to do** with Woody, but had come up with nothing.} He had lost track of all time during that lakeside visit, and therefore figured he'd be in pretty deep dog shit if he was discovered by a teacher to be roaming the halls at this hour. He turned the corner to climb a staircase up to the common room, when he felt a cold, clammy hand clamp on his shoulder. He whipped around, and saw before him- none but the seriously severe Severus Snape. {Try saying THAT ten times fast-oh wait, I almost fogot. No cutting in. Sorry.} Expecting the worst, and by all means fearing it, Lee was shocked to tears {literally!}when he heard Snape shout, **"CRACKERBARREL!"** His eyes widened, and he walked around the hall bumping into things. Lee was torn between the choice of panicking or laughing hysterically. He dared to speak,  
  
"Pro-FESSOR?" He asked slowly.  
  
**"POPPYPUDDING!"**  
  
"Are you-al-RIGHT?"  
  
**"FUZZY-WUZZY WAS A BEAR!"** Lee choked back laughter. If Snape was talking about fuzzy bears and new flavors of pudding, he supposed it was alright to continue his walk up to the dorm. His only regret was he didn't have a camera with him.  
  
"Alright then, Sir, I'll just be going back to bed..."  
  
**"PURPLEHAIRDYE!"**  
  
"Back to where I'm supposed to be..." he backed up the stairs slowly as he said this.  
  
**"FRIZZLE-FRAZZLE-FRIZZYBUM!"** Dangit! WHY didn't he carry a camera on him? But then, a thought occured to him!- 'If I'm able to have an invisible watch, why not an invisible camera? 'Alright, now Lee, think REALLY hard, imagine a camera in your hands...' as he though this, he felt the weight of something drop into his palm. 'Alright!' he thought. To anyone else, the camera would seem invisible, but to him, it was completely real. Still, he had never _pretended_ to take a picture before...except for the time he'd caught Pansy Parkinson shaving her face-wait, that **was** a real picture. He held the "camera" up to his face and aimed it at the Snape-Zombie.  
  
"Say 'cheese'!"  
  
**"CHAZZA-RAZZA-CHEDDY-CHANG!"** He imagined a 'snap', and, now pretty satisfied with his own good fortune and imagination, he took the stairs two at a time, heading up to the hall. He was so over-joyed by his little 'Snape secret' that he began skipping down the hall. Right when he was ready to give the Fat Lady the password, he was obnoxiously knocked down by a heavy door hitting him square in the chest.  
  
"Owwwww! What the-wait, I don't remember there being a door there..." He heard giggling, and nearly became sick with rage as he saw the sight before him. All his happiness-as-of-three-minutes-ago vanished, and he stamped his foot hard on the ground. What he saw was Tonks and Oliver, dressed in bathing suits and wrapped in towels, and they had opened the door and were speaking in hushed, excited voices.  
  
"Oh, what the hell are you two doing _now_?"  
  
The couple looked up for the first time. Tonks spoke first  
  
"Er...Oliver was showing me his hot tub...rather neat Muggle invention, no?"  
  
"HOT TUB? IN HOGWARTS? You guys are insane-talking. Where do you propose you can fit a _hot-tub_ in this place?"  
  
Wood began, "Look in there for yourself. It was mine, and only I know the password. It's a very _RELAXING_ experience." He raised his eyebrows as he said this.  
  
Tonks now spoke. "**You** should be in bed now anyway, Lee! What do you mean by snooping around the castle at all-hours of the early morning?"  
  
"What do**_ you_** mean being with a student at all-hours of the early morning, Ms. Tonks? You are a teacher, aren't you?"  
  
"Don't the frick question me like that! You have no right! NO right! Oliver? Shut the door. Fellows like **him** don't deserve to use**our**hot-tub." With that, Oliver shut it, and with a final glare at his ex-best-friend, said goodbye to Tonks and climbed into the portrait hole, leaving this door, as well, swinging behind him in Lee's face.


	3. Voices

No more chit-chat for me. Once again, it's a weekend-night, and once again, I'm incredibly tired, so here you go...it's your Chapter Three, for anyone who cares. It's a bit more serious, like the characters get into feeling real emotions and start to feel for other people, and that sort of thing. And remember, the ***'s mean I took the particular theme from somewhere else. So I guess this could go under Parody, too.... ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~* -*Tonks's POV*-  
  
She smiled to herself as she bid farewell to her dream-man.They would have probably shared a good-night kiss had it not been for that irritating Lee kid, always getting in their way and nosing into their business. She hadn't been true friends with him, she just sort of played along and was nice to him because his dad was her boss. So, if she didn't want the boot, she had to play nice. 'Well,' she thought to herself, as she stepped in her room and started brushing her hair, 'Those days are over, and not a damn thing he can do about that NOW,' {she had a new boss.} 'Don't have to befriend the brute any longer.' Usually, she was nicer than this...more easygoing...not as strongly opinionized about anyone...part of herself told her. * 'So, I don't like Lee....'  
'....but you like Oliver. A lot.'  
'And you're seven years older than him. SEVEN YEARS. SEVEN YEARS. SEVEN YEARS!' This rang through her head without stopping. She tried with agony to overpower the voice.  
'Seven years isn't that much...I'm not a bad person.....'  
'You're a teacher....SEVEN YEARS!....He's a student....SEVEN YEARS!'  
'STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!'  
She was shouting at herself, and grabbing her head as if it would split at any given moment. She took a long swig of Firewhiskey, and tried to calm herself enough to sleep. For she was very tired. 'I know!' She thought. 'I'll watch a video to soothe my senses. Beats taking NyQuil again...' If anything to make her feel better, she'd go back in that hot- tub...but she couldn't. Oliver was fast asleep by now, and she didn't know the password to the room. 'Video it is, then.' {She's probably the only wizard around with a complete TV and VCR set...} She sighed, and picked a video tape off the coffee table and popped it in. She sat back on the couch and relaxed a bit. 'Aaaaaah,' she thought. 'ER re-runs always can get me to fall asleep...' {so friggin' true. Come to think of it, I don't watch it anymore, but, needless to say, it was a one-way ticket to the Land of Nod.- [sleeping, in other words.]} But as she was preparing the pillows and dimming the lights, ready to fall fast asleep,** her TV screen went blank. It gave off a high-pitched, unearthly noise.  
"What...the bloody fuck...is it....now?" Quite irked, she got up and tried adjusting the antenna. This just caused a higher, longer, and louder note to come from the TV, and it wailed and wailed and wailed til' the point of no return. She clamped her hands over her ears and stumbled backwards, tripping over the coffee table in her path. Then the wailing turned to a screeching, then the screeching formed distinct words... "SEVEN.....YEARS......SEVEN.....YEARS.....SEVEN.....YEARS....." And then, to her horror, out from the staticy screen emerged a girl....with long, matted, dark hair. Terrified, Tonks thought around vigorously. She didn't want to be killed...and that girl...that THING, she wanted it GONE... 'No chance of sleep now', she thought. She'd be lucky, in fact, to live to see another night...the girl was now extending her clawed arm out, toward Tonks...out of sheer desperation, the pink-haired lady decided to strike up a conversation.  
"Hey girl, you've got split ends, but overall nice volume to your hair...sometime we should get together and work on it! Eh? Eh? EH?!!!" Obviously, her 'small-talk' wasn't winning the thing over. What to do, what to do, WHAT to do!!??!!!  
'Transform....you can transform.....remember!?'  
'SEVEN....YEARS!'  
"SEVEN....YEARS!"  
'Turn into someone....mean and intimidating....think....who....'  
'SEVEN...YEARS!'  
"SEVEN....YEARS!" How could she stand it, with all these voices? They were in her head, they were in the TV, they were from the girl.....she couldn't find temporary peace now, not now....she had to transform....to drive the thing away...  
"Narcissa Malfoy!" She realized out loud. Now if SHE wasn't an ominous figure, she didn't know of any. She changed...her look....first her hair-spikes, flat, color-grey....then her body-she grew taller, thinner...then the skin-paler....whiter....  
'SEVEN.....YEARS.....'  
"SEVEN....YEARS..." The thing was now grabbing her, she had a hold on her arm....she had to FOCUS. NARCISSA. At last, her face changed. She was now, truly, what appeared to be the sinister Mrs. Malfoy. 'Let's see what I can do!' She grabbed the girl's hand, and yanked it off her own. She wouldn't let this little monster drag her into the electronic realms of nothing, NO SIR! 'Narcissa' finally got full power over the girl, and heaved her to and through the television screen. Now, the golden circular shape that was on the screen flickered, until it shut the television off completely. Exhausted, confused, but overall feeling she should applaud her efforts, Tonks collapsed back on the couch, and finished off the last of the Firewhiskey.  
  
She was brutally shoved awake what seemed like no more than three seconds later. She moaned and turned back over, shoving the figure that had waken her aside.  
"Mum, get up, Mum...."  
"What....?.....who.....where.....WHAT?" Tonks had regained full composure, and looked up at the person who had disturbed her peacuful sleep. He had bleach-blonde hair and light-grey eyes. Before she could question him, she caught sight of a mirror just behind him and realized that she had those same exact features. Then she remembered-she had transformed into Narcissa. 'Oh great,' she thought with sarcastic joy. 'Now I have to act like this fruit's mother, to avoid any more panic-situations...' Then she did a recap of all she knew of Narcissa's life, and thought aloud with mild arousement, "My husband's a pimp." The boy just stared.  
"Mum? Mother, I don't think you're alright....why are you here?"  
"I....see, well.....it's a funny story, boy, you see I...."  
He picked up the empty bottle of Firewhiskey. "Dad TOLD you not to drink anymore, remember? So why'd you come to Hogwarts, just to get drunk for a bit?" As soon as these words came out of his mouth, he apparantly realized that he had just said something very wrong indeed, and cringed in fear of being hit. 'Is this all the better that woman treats her son?' thought Tonks, 'so that he is always in fear of speaking his mind? That isn't right.'  
'Much like the way you treat Lee..'  
"NO! NOT NOW!" She certainly didn't want to hear voices, especially not right now. Instead, she spoke to Draco.  
"Sure, why not. Go play with your friends...here, take twenty...." she pressed the Galleons into his palm. He took it ungratefully and turned around. Tonks could have sworn she heard muttering that sounded like, "Money, money, what else is new." Those awful parents! Oh well, not HER problem. Let them deal with that themselves. Just as she was getting up, Wood came through the open door.  
"Oliver! It's me!"  
"Who?"  
"No...Tonks....I transformed, is all...long story....you sleep well?"  
He walked over, and they briefly kissed on the lips, but all Draco saw when he came back in to ask for more money was HIS MOTHER KISSING ANOTHER MAN-A BOY, AT THAT. He, too, was shocked to tears, and pulled out his wand, and with a blast, petrified Oliver. Eventually, the whole situation became too much for him, and before anyone had a chance to do anything, Draco as well dropped to the floor. Tonks, with the body of Narcissa Malfoy, was standing over the two bodies, and when Lee Jordan walked into the room, that was all he saw. A sly smirk spread across his face.  
"Boy," he said, "have I got you." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* A/N. Whhheeeeeeeeew! Tired out! *Pant, pant* Got all that done. You know the drill, review if you like it, review if you don't. Just, review! Honestly, too. Thanks. *="The Secret Window" **="The Ring" Go see those movies! That's all I have to say for now. 


	4. Violet Gives Some Input

~*Lee's POV*~  
He woke up to the sun rays burning hot on his face. "Ouch!" He sat up and looked around. "Blazes!" he thought akoud. "I must've fallen asleep in the hall!" But just as soon as he said that, he corrected himself. "Wait- why would I do that?" Just then, a floating transluscent figure soared over his head, then looped back around again, and in a mocking voice sang,  
"Lee, lee, teeny weeny Lee,  
Couldn't scare off a flea,  
that teeny weeny Lee..."  
"Sweet Godric, Peeves, is that really the best you can come up with?"  
"Heck no! THat's the clean version-you wanna hear the other one? Do ya?"  
  
"No, Peeves, I really don't. What I do wanna do right now is figure out why the hell I woke up in the hallway." Peeves glanced at him then burst out into ghostly fits of laughter.  
"Perhaps it has something to do with that enormous lump on your head? Lee frantically felt around his face but failed to find anything out of the ordinary...  
"Dammnit, Peeves, you-Poltergiest! Get back here right now!" But the ghost just sank back into hysterical laughter and floated away, chanting,  
"Big lump, big lump  
On his head it's a big bump..." 'He's really lost his touch for rhyming, now hasn't he?' Lee growled and turned around. And by doing this so quickly, his head made contact with the portrait of the Fat Lady, and-BOOM! His forehead swelled again. Maybe she could tell him what happened-it was worth a try, anyway.  
"O, Fat Lady, I do so call upon thee..." The Fat Lady looked very offended indeed and stated, "Hmmm! There's just no way you're getting in now, not with that kind of sarcastic attitude. No sir!  
"Well then, maybe you could just kindly inform me of what happened last night, and could give me some indication as to why I woke up on the COLD, HARD, FLOOR!" The Lady seemed to be thinking.  
"Ah-HA!" she exclaimed, at last.  
"So, you remember what happened, did you?" Lee asked hopefully.  
"Oh, no, not that, silly boy. I just remembered Violet was coming over for a spot of tea this afternoon, is all. And here she is!-" The other woman climbed through the portrait and the two exchanged cheerily polite greetings. Lee, on the other hand, was outraged.  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED! YOU SHOULD KNOW- YOU WERE THERE!" But the Fat Lady just gave him one of those, "Honey, you been takin' too much of whatever it is you been takin'" looks, and shrugged him off. Though something lit up in Violet's head, apparantly, for she then spoke,  
  
"Don't you be criticizing her for not paying attention to every detail of your dreary life. I, for one, do know what happened last night. You were knocked out cold by that one boy, you know, the one whose looks you could never compare with? Well yes, him and that pink-haired woman. It went something like they hit you in the head with a steel door...and, that's all." She finished quietly. Lee just blinked. "Shit! Must've got amnesia..." he took off down the hall, embarassed, as Violet called after him, "Watch your tongue, boy!"  
Muttering to himself, Lee walked briskly along. Deciding it'd be too embarassing to let himself be seen right away at breakfast, and thanking the Lord it was Saturday, he cut down a different corridor, a familiar one. Until the staircase shifted, and suddenly gave him a new option: what looked like a gold-plated door with a long, beautiful hallway past it. "Might as well..." he mused. So he followed it. 'Interesting...I don't remember this. Maybe the teacher's rooms?' As he turned down a joining hall, he got a whiff of grease and oil, and gagged. "Ugggghh...must be Snapey's room....and here, all this time I thought he lived in the dungeon! Then again, maybe he does; this room smells like it hasn't seen a bottle of Lysol in ages...." He was interrupted by a sudden, high-pitched scream. Had someone found him? Frantically, he ran away from the scream, but a door- WHAM! closed on him. He ran down another hallway-BOOM! That door, too closed. This went on until the only hall left was the one from which the screams were coming. He thought, 'maybe I could hurry by without them noticing...' He tried it. Until he recognized a familiar voice-could it be? Wood! He silently entered the room, and to his horror-saw-Narcissa Malfoy, standing over the dead bodies of Oliver Wood and her own son, Draco! But wait-she hadn't a wand in her hand-was it a trick? Didn't matter, for now was his time to steal the spotlight, and gosh-darn BATHE in it! He was going to turn Narcissa in, no matter what the price. With those thoughts, he boldly took a stride further into the room and proclaimed, "Boy, have I got YOU." 


	5. Now She Knew What Had To Be Done

A/N: Credit for "Redneck Woman" goes to Gretchen Wilson. -Tonk's POV- (sorta) After recovering from his shock, Lee stormed over and grabbed the arm of Narcissa (Tonks in reality.) He then spoke, with a malicious grin pasted on his face,  
"Dumbledore will be wanting to hear about THIS."  
"No, wait, Lee, hold on, I can explain...I'm not really Narcissa, these boys aren't really dead...look, it's me, Tonks..." But Lee was distracted by a chocolate muffin, floating in mid-air, and took a bite, and now he looked completely zoned-out. Tonks repeated herself, this time screaming,  
" IT'S ME, TONKS!!!!!" But Lee had been one bloody thick son of a gun and finished off the levitating morsel. He fell to the floor and picked up on snoring immediately. Tonks shook her head and muttered to herself, "Honestly..." But she was now glad he was gone, for now she was safe!, she realized. Lee couldn't turn her in.....no, sir! She decided to get back in her room and sleep her hangover off, but just as she was turning around, a new sinister voice said,  
"Boy, have I got YOU."  
"Oh, give it a REST, Lee! I honestly don't know HOW many times you've used that line, and frankly, I'm not feeling threatened by it anymore....never was in the first place, in fact....." (came Tonks.)  
"Well perhaps NOW, Narcissa, it is time to FEEL threatened..." (came...dun, dun, dun...SNAPE!) Tonks whirled around, and now thought about it for the first time- she was standing above three unconcious bodies, it MUST have looked bad! She was ready to explain to him her real situation, but then, out of the blue, Snape sang:  
"Victoria's Secret, well their stuff's real nice  
But I can buy the same damn thing on a Wal-Mart shelf half price  
And still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV  
No, I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me  
Well, you might think I'm trashy, a little too hardcore  
But in my neck of the woods I'm just the girl next door  
I'm a redneck woman  
I ain't no high class broad  
I'm just a product of my raising  
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'  
And I keep my Christmas lights on  
On my front porch all year long  
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song  
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country  
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me,  
HELL YEAH!  
(Hell yeah)  
HELL YEAH!  
(Hell yeah)  
I SAID, HELL YEAH!!!" ...Then he was silent for a moment, and dropped over as well. So now, Tonks was standing over FOUR bodies. In the form of her wicked, evil cousin....NOW she knew what she had to do! 


	6. What I got

A/N: The song was not, unfortunately, written by me. I do not know who sings it, but I give 'em props!  
  
-Week or so later-  
  
"Misses Narcissa Black Malfoy, we have your confessions down of four accounts of attempted murder, and poisoning. Is that correct, you are turning yourself in?"  
  
"Yessir, Mister-" she squinted to read his name badge. "John-the-Wizard-Cop-Guy."   
  
"You realize that crimes of these nature will land you in Alcatraz Prison for a good part of what's left of your meager life?"  
  
"HEY, YALL! YEE-HAW! AZKABAN!"  
  
"....Right then. Come right this way....hold on a second."......(pause)  
  
"Well, what is it? C'mon, I'm ready, let's GO already!"  
  
".....Not so fast. Seems you've got a bit of whiskey on the breath-WHHHEEEEEEEEEW! Okay, a LOT of it. So, drinking and-er, FLYING, counts against you as well. (And I still wonder how you managed to get that household cleaning item-)  
  
"BROOM!"  
  
"-right. to fly. We'll have to get that fingerprinted, and all..."  
  
"Ain't NO-ONE touchin' MY broom!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Misses Malfoy, you have no choice, and unfortunately, (for you), no say in this. Come right this way...." They walk on through large, slimy gates.  
  
"Welcome to Alcatraz Prison, California, Misses Malfoy. Your new home for the next fifty-four years. You have-" he walks to the phone. "-one solitary phone call. May I suggest your husband, if you want bail? Where IS your husband, anyway?"  
  
"AZKABAN! AZKABAN!"  
  
Security Guard walks over to his fellow cop, with a confused look on his face. He whispers,  
  
"Al, this ol' broad seems to be going crazy...first she comes in, FLYIN' ON A BROOMSTICK, if you can beleive, then 'fesses up to all these horrendous crimes, is drunk, nonetheless, calls me a WIZARD, and keeps bringing up someplace, called-AZKABAN. What'd you think it means?"  
  
"I think it means, my poor Muggle friend," said the man, peeling off his rubbery mask. "That you have got to give yourself a nice long holiday along the shores of England. You might even learn how to ride that broom...."   
  
Narcissa walks up to him.  
  
"I agree, Albus." She changes back to her usual form. "If you don't mind me calling you by your first name for just that once, Dumbledore."  
  
"Of course not, Nymphoria."  
  
"Dumbl....Well, you can always call me that. But you and you only!"  
  
"I know, I know." He is smiling, and the guard is dumbfounded. They stun him and take him back with them to England cause' face it, the guy deserves a break!   
  
-On the flight home-  
  
"Professor Dumbledore, I don't understand why we couldn't just apparate..."  
  
"You know the rules, Nymphoria. Apparation overseas is illegal..."  
  
"Yeah! My American dad; so THAT'S why he never visited!"  
  
"Er.......of course that's why!...."  
  
"Professor?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Could you answer me one last thing?"  
  
"Go on, dear."  
  
"Why did we bring this guy over with us?"  
  
"Well, Miss Nymphoria. I would have thought you'd have seen it before, I was simply playing matchmaker. You can't spend all your life alone, and the chemistry between you and this one was clearly obvious! Plus, working long hours at a filthy prison is no work for a human, not even a Muggle. That is strictly Dementor work...poor bloke needed to get away for a few. Just take a trip, m'dear, that's all." Tonks looked away as he said this, nearly colliding with a tree.  
  
"Professor, that's mighty kind of you to think of me that way, but I think I found my match already. Is it-" she sputtered off, not sure if she should finish. "Is it so wrong to be in love with a seventeen-year old student? It's only a seven-year difference, but should it matter? I think he's really the one?" She finished off silently but then cursed herself for demanding love advice of an old man. He just kept that could-be-annoying-at-a-point-smile on his face, and that old twinkle in his eye.   
  
"My dearest Nymphoria, love can never be wrong, as long as you trust in what your heart says." This releived her so! She had been dreading, all this time, that people would not be able to accept the relationship. But he was right, and in her heart she knew it all along. It was just one of those things that she needed to hear from him to accept it. For Dumbledore had been her dearest friend for so long, and the closest thing she had to a responsible parent. Now she knew, she had to get back home, back to Hogwarts, and be with the one she desired such to be with. Suddenly, Dumbledore spoke,  
  
"In which instance we won't be needing HIM anymore-" he made to throw the stunned security guard into the air, and let him fall into the ocean they were now crossing....  
  
"DUMBLEDORE!"  
  
He chuckled. "Just kidding, dear Nymphoria. I promised the man his holiday, by Godric he'll have one." That firmness in her voice told her he meant it.   
  
At last, England was in view. They dropped to the ground, and together Apparated back into their own world, where AZKABAN, not ALCATRAZ, was their prime prison where all the "bad boys" went. As they approached Hogwarts, Tonks thought out loud,   
  
"We really should've let Narcissa be accused...she deserves it, after all..."  
  
"No, no, now. I did what was necessary. Now go do your part." he nearly whispered. She knew what that meant. She would go to Oliver, and if the love they felt so strong right now lasted in the years to come, she would embrace it, and in the years to come, maybe even build her future with him. But who had time to think about long-term stuff right now? For the moment, she was going to live, and as she rushed into the hospital wing to find Oliver cured and conscious, she rushed over to his bedside and threw her arms around him. If this had been his deathbed, or hers, she would have died with the satisfaction that she had finally realized they had to be together. But there was still one thing, her mind told her. She turned to the next bed and gave Lee a long-awaited apology.   
  
'"Lee, sorry I've been such a-" Madam Pomphrey shot her a warning look from across the room. "-a you-know-what lately. I suppose I was just going through one of those stages...but I really would like it if we could be friends?"  
  
Lee thought for a moment and finally replied, "Alright." They too, hugged, but this hug was different, it was a hug of friendship, which was still meaningful nonetheless. They were all rejoicing in a happy reunion when Madam Pomphrey noticed the security guard Dumbledore had been carrying.   
  
"Oh, my! He's had a long flight! Stunned, I see...." She tutted in disappointment at whoever stunned him, and Tonks and Dumbledore exchanged glances for a fleeting moment. When Madam finally had him healed, he woke up, rubbed his eyes, and smiled at her. "Thank you..." he said, and you could see the love in their eyes, and it was clear that neither would have to continue living a life of loneliness. (What could be missing from this pretty picture? Oh!, how about a song?) Snape crawled through the window, standing in the circle of friends and spreading his arms out.  
  
"Normally I'd be disgusted by all these-kind emotions, but today I'm feeling generous." Henceforth, he broke into a chorus of melodic song.  
  
"Early in the morning, risin' to the street  
  
Light me up that cigarette, and i strap shoes on my feet  
  
Got to find a reason, a reason things went wrong  
  
Got to find a reason why my money's all gone  
  
I got a dalmation, and i can still get high  
  
And i can play the guitar like a mother fucking riot  
  
Well, life is (too short), so love the one you got  
  
Cause you might get run over, or you might get shot  
  
Never start no static, i just get it off my chest  
  
Never had to battle with my bullet proof vest  
  
Take a small example, take a ti-ti-tip from me  
  
Take all your money, give it up to charity  
  
Lovin's what i got, it's within my reach  
  
And the sublime style still straight from long beach  
  
It all comes back to you, you're going to get what you deserve  
  
Try and test that, you're bound to get served  
  
Love's what i got, don't start a riot  
  
You feel it when the dance gets hot  
  
Lovin' is what i got - i said, remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got - now remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got - i said, remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got...  
  
I don't cry when my dog runs away  
  
I don't get angry at the bills i have to pay  
  
I don't get angry when my mom smokes pot  
  
Hits the bottle and goes back to the rock  
  
Fuckin' and fightin', it's all the same  
  
Livin' with louie's dog's the only way to stay sane  
  
Let the lovin', let the lovin' come back to me  
  
Lovin' is what i got - i said, remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got - now remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got - i said, remember that  
  
Lovin' is what i got, i got, i got..."  
  
Looking around the room, it became clear that there was not a person in the room who didn't agree more.  
  
A/N: Well! It seems I have fans! Thanks to all you readers & reviewers out there. I know "Mimi" requested more....were you thinking along the lines of a sequel, or just another "Crazy-ass story?" Let me know, guys! 


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